Translation from Romney-Speak to English of Selected Portions of His Concession Speech

Romney’s concession speech was a tour de force of bogus, right wing-nut posturing on issues that don’t matter (gay marriage) or issues about which 90% of Americans disagree with the Bush administration (the war). Below are some of the highlights, followed by translations:

11 states have given me their nod, compared to his 13. Of course, because size does matter, he’s doing quite a bit better with his number of delegates.

Translation: I didn’t win the nomination, but I have a huge cock.

Conservative principles are needed now more than ever.

Translation: I have to keep spouting this bullshit line that I’m a true conservative in order to convince McCain that I balance the ticket better than Luckabee. Of course, should I decide to run again for an elected position in Mass., then I’ll go back to being a moderate.

We must rise to the occasion, as we have always done before, to confront the challenges ahead. Perhaps the most fundamental of these is the attack on the American culture.

Translation: My candidacy is in trouble and I have nothing to offer on issues of actual importance to hard-working Americans, so….time to bash Hollywood and the queers! (A redundant phrase.)

The threat to our culture comes from within.

Translation: Hollywood and the queers. (And maybe the Jews, too. What the hell, they’re generally up to no good.)

The 1960’s welfare programs created a culture of poverty. Some think we won that battle when we reformed welfare, but the liberals haven’t given up. At every turn, they try to substitute government largesse for individual responsibility. They fight to strip work requirements from welfare, to put more people on Medicaid, and to remove more and more people from having to pay any income tax whatsoever.

Translation: Clinton’s welfare reform worked like a charm, but who’s gonna check this and see that I’m totally full of shit? Pounding on “welfare mothers” is always good for a few votes in Kansas. And those poor, working class folks who don’t make enough to pay income taxes? Fuck ‘em. Why can’t they all just get jobs doing LBOs for Bain Capital??

The attack on faith and religion is no less relentless. And tolerance for pornography-even celebration of it-and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare programs have led to today’s grim realities: 68% of African American children are born out-of-wedlock, 45% of Hispanic children, and 25% of White children.

Translation: Dogs and cats, living in sin…. [Eds. Note: How does pornography lead to more children being born out of wedlock? If guys are busy tossing their seed to a classic Amber Lynn flick, wouldn’t that *decrease* pregnancies?]

It is time for the people of America to fortify marriage through constitutional amendment, so that liberal judges cannot continue to attack it!

Translation: The queers are never going to vote for a Republican, so no harm in bashing them a bit for good measure.

And we are not dissuaded by the snickers and knowing glances when we stand up for family values, and morality, and culture.

Translation: Of course, no one is actually snickering at people of faith in this country, but it never hurts to try to make these folks paranoid.

And our economy is also burdened by the inexorable ramping of government spending. Don’t focus on the pork alone-even though it is indeed irritating and shameful. Look at the entitlements. They make up 60% of federal spending today. By the end of the next President’s second term, they will total 70%.

Translation: It’s not the billions that we’ve thrown down a rat hole in Iraq that’s led to deficit spending, it’s all of those lay-about welfare mothers, using their food stamps to buy pornos!

It’s high time to lower taxes, including corporate taxes, to take a weed-whacker to government regulations, to reform entitlements, and to stand up to the increasingly voracious appetite of the unions in our government!

Translation: More tax breaks for the rich! I gotta recoup the $35 million of my own money that I wasted on this friggin’ election. [Eds. Note: …heh heh…he said ‘whack’…heh heh…]

I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues, as you know. But I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror. If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.

Translation: Iraq is Al Qaeda! Iraq is Osama! Obama is Osama! I appreciate that our troops are several clicks too far south to actually find Osama, but it’s ok because Iraq is Al Qaeda! Keep repeating that mantra like and it will become the truth!